Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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