Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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