bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We need a shit load of segways right now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
