At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
