he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
