someone owes me an orgasm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
