I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
