i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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