Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Pants are for mortals
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
