just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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