Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
