My first STD was from a foam party
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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