she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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