I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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