If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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