dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
