East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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