John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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