new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
