I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
