I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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