and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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