i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
