I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
