I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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