guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
