Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
