i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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