I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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