i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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