I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
