I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
