Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
