I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
