so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
