I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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