Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
