i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
