i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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