last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
