So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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