I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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