Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My ass is underappreciated
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
