You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
