What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
