Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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