i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
