The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
