why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
