I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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