all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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