when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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