Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
