if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
