Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Someone signed my nipple.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
