I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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