I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
