I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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