Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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