well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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